Älskade Daniel

Vår bästa och älskade Daniel har idag fått somna in lugnt och stilla. Älskad saknad för alltid.

Replaced my Neato Signature Pro with a BotVac D85

After my third faulty Signature Pro, I told the store I wanted to have my money back. And I decided to get a Neato BotVac D85 instead.

I still believe this is a good brand of robotic vacuum cleaners. So far the BotVac D85 has been working fine. And I really hope it will keep doing that.

It has cleaned my apartment once or twice without a single stop. The times it has stopped it has been my own fault, forgetting a cable on the floor or something like that.

Mario Maker Morning

I did not have so much pain this night.  But I did go to sleep very late. I stayed up til 3 and played Mario Maker I think :)

I love this game. I  hope they come with an update with added features. Or maybe a Mario Maker 2 :D With even more features.

I was thinking of continuing playing SOMA yesterday. But I lost all motivation

Not much to say

Have not had an update for a while. Don't have much to say... Nope.

Visit from doctor and homemade sushi

The doctor came over to visit today..

I made some sushi again. Today with some mayonaese and leek. The rice got a little bit overboiled but it was ok...

It is one of those things that I want to cook and share with someone, my friends maybe. Ih wait no. Hahaha, forget what I said. My father for instance But my father is so... "I want to help",   and I tell him to keep away you're not helping you're in the way. EXCACTLY what my parents always said to me when I was a child and wated to help them.

When my father helps me to cook he takes over and leaves no room. He might say, "do this do that instead it is much better" even though he has never ever done that before and he coments "arent you going to put salt in that" because absolutely evertyrhing needs to be extrasalted, and all of a sudden you're the one standing there watching him make the food for you.

Makes me sad. Very very sad. I am always like that. I have no "power" to take control. If I tell my father "No, I am doing this, keep away", he is going to say "Huh, so I can't even help".. very dissapointed.

People have always told me that I am being too nice. Lately I have been thinkin, I am not going to be "too nice anymore". I am deliberetly going to be mean, because that is what they ask for isn't it. The response have always been negative. So this "you're being too nice" is kind of bullshit talk. Keep being "too nice", they do not want the alternative, they're being stupid if they think so.

I have had problems all day. Pain in my butt. Plopping ear when I eat. Bad eye sight. Bad hearing. Pain in my ass. I feel down.

This pain is unbearable

Hello. I have not written in my blog for a while. I didn't feel like writing anything really.

I have had soo much pain in my right leg. They have disvovered a metastasis in my bone in my butt. I dont know what that bone is called. Anyway, it pushes and stretches some nerves that just makes it unbearable.

And OxyNorm does not work well against that sort of pain. So they have given me metadon, and the oxynorm is supposed to back up this metadon some how. Still on a very small dose of metadone.

The pain is worst during the day. And later around 18 o clock it feels better.

And since it is nerves that is being squeezed and pushed or pulled or whatever. I imagine that there is a position I can find to ease the pain. So I move around in different positions, and moan and whine about the pain. 

Suddenly I find a position that feels Ok. But I can't sit like that forever. I need to go to the bathroom or somerhing else important.

Also, I am worried. Often. When the doctors where here. I got two shots of morphine, or maybe is was ordinary oxynorm. But it wasn't very effective. And my pain is so unreliable. The pain might have been eased even if I didn't get those shots. I don't know. For real, I don't know at all.

Instead I got a pressure over my chest. And it hurt. They said it was a panic attack, anxiety attack or something. I thought it was a little strange. I thought it was the morphine shot. Because it started just during the time she was injecting it.

The nurse insisted that it was a good thing to sit down and just talk for a while. And we did, and I felt like bursting into tears and just let everything out. But I held it back. Some tears came out that I tried to hide.

It took 15-20 minutes to get that pressure on my chest to go away. II don't remember what we talked about. But ofcourse all this talk about moving to my hometown, is stressful. And how to plan the future basically, it is all things to prepare me for death.

And ofcourses, it is probably not strange at all that I get these anxiety panic attacks. Or what is it. Most of the time I don't feel very afraid,  and I think about death quiet rarely. But when I do, I never get that pressure on my chest. I just feel a little bit scared of afraid for a while. And then I forget about it.

Another thing is.. I just bought a Wii Fit U. For a bargain price! I looked forward to use it every day. And also taking small walks with the little step counter that you get with it. Weighing in Simson, my cat, everyday. I cannot do the heavy excercises. I can only do some of the easier ones. And then jogging and bicycling. But it was enough for me 20-30 minutes every day. I was completly weary and exhausted after that, sweat was litterary dripping from my forehead. My fitness is really that bad, even the easiest excercises makes me exhausted.

But back to the point I wanted to make. It is sad now that I can't use it because of this tumour in my butt. I can't stand up for more than a couple of minutes. Then I need to get back to the couch again. To the place I have been sitting on so much that it has been shaped like my body. No need for expensive tempura matresses :P

I did use the Wii Fit U anyway, the times when my leg feels better. Baucause it seems to be random. But afterwards, or the day after, the pain is back except 10 times worse. I think it was the excercise. So I have not used it more than 3 or 4 times.

And then we made some homemade Sushi with my mother.

I wanted to make it for her. but it was difficult, she wanted to "help", usually meaning "doing everything". I remember when I was a kid and I wanted to help but got the response "You're only in the way" or "*sigh* he thinks he knows things because he had cooking classes in school..." and other uplifting comments from them. Now You're in the my way you see, I want to prepare food for you, you should be thankful instead. But I really tried holding back my frustrations and let her do everything she wanted to.

It is the same thing with dad. I want to make something for them. They help me so much all the time with everything. I want to give something back. I want to make food for them. But then they're standing behind my back looking at what I do, and tell me how to do things. And I get irritated and angry, and then he says "But I only want to help"... And I respond, "You're not helping you're only in the way".. He told me how to boil rice, even tough I've boiled rice 100 times and maybe it has failed a few times, but most of the times it has been good. I don't want any alternative method. My dad always says "It is much better if you do it this way..." ... But My way has always worked well enough for me, so I don't see the problem. *sigh*
But he is sooo stubbord, "I just want to show you" , And I just want to shout "Go for fuck sake and sit down and wait til I am done". I am doing something for YOU, to thank for for all the things you help me with, drive me everywhere and do all these things for me. But neither dad or mom can take anything from me, they don't want anything back. And it just makes me feel so damn spoiled. I really don't want to live anymore sometimes.

Mario Maker and Rocksmith

I got a new coin in Mario Maker, I still think that game is really really fun. I love it. But the more I play it,  the more functionality I want. 

I want to do things I could do in Little Big Planet. Have different triggers for things. For example if I kill bowser, it blows up some blocks so that I can continue moving forward on the level.. Things like that, Not maybe things you could to in Mario games really. But You could read signs I remember from Super Mario World.

Maybe they're sticking to what you could do in the real mario games.

I have seen things that others do that I have no idea how to do.

Anyway, the new coin let me upload 20 levels instead of 10. 

So right now I have uploaded 18 levels. Some of them might be too difficult.

I also started playing Smoke on the Water on Rocksmith. It is a fun song. And that famous riff is kind of easy. I need to keep repeating in often, 

like with everything else ofcourse. 

But it is a really fun song to play.

My ear

My ear looks strange. I don't know what it is. But I got some ointment or salve to put on it, Hydrokortison.

My left ear have been swollen. I need to pull a little on my chin to open it, but I need to keep pulling all the time.

Otherwise it closes again. Feels and sounds like I have an earplug in all the time. I guess it won't get better.

And I am also swollen in my nose. So I cannot taste much. Some things taste nothing. But when I struggle to breath in through my nose while eating. I can feel a little bit more taste.

I have been using alot of oxynorm lately. And the doctor has also given me Metadone. Small dose 5mg morning and night before going to bed.

Appearently a very strong morphine. But it will help with the nerve pain in my leg. It will take a few days before it kicks in he said. I think it starts to work now. But yeah. *sigh* another medecine I cannot drive my car anywhere.

If I want to go to the store or something. I can get help with that.... but then it feels like I am just giving up. I dont know what to write anymore really

I don't know what the yellow stuff is. Could be a wound. Or something with the tumour. The kortison oinment/salve I got helps to release the itching.

 

 

*Sigh* you won't believe it. New Neato problems....

Neato can't find the charger... Yes again. On the third one. It might just have been a one time thing, because it kept getting stuck on things.

It does work better than my second one. It works just as good as my first one did in the beginning.

Today it kept getting stuck underneath my tv room table. And then suddenly it couldn't find back to its charger "again". *sigh*

It is one of those things thay ruins my day for me. I need to forget about stupid things like that.

I think it might get confused because it often gets stuck on my doorsteps. All three of them did. And I move them a bit to get them going again, and maybe it's room orientation gets "out of sync" somehow. And when it want's to go back to the charger, the memory of the track back to the charger is all shifted and rotated around. That is my guess. So it might not be a big problem. And it doesn't happen all the time, it happens very rarely.

It got stuck under the bed in the guest room. My mother wanted to get it out of there the most difficult way. By moving the entire bed and... I don't know. I just said stop. I can reach it. And I moved it out of the room and then I pressed resume docking. And how stubborn is the little stupid thing. It wanted to get in there AGAIN under her bed going into the wall until it runs out of power. I have hade three neatos doing exactly this now. And it is ALWAYS under the bed in the guest room.

It is kind of opposite of the direction it should go. So I lifted it up and put it by the charger, or very close to it, like 1,5 meter or so. Then it found the charger and went back to it to charge.

Yesterday it was cleaning sooo good. Only took about two hours to complete the entire apartment. Most efficient cleaning any of my three robots has done so far. My old ones could clean from 7 to 12 till it was done with the apartmment... it just makes me worried now that this one is going to break down also. I just hope it doesn't.

I noticed in the store, that they have removed all the Neato XV Signature Pro, they only have BotVac 85 now. When I get a new one I will buy the BotVac Connected. Seems to be just like the D85, but with an smartphone app for it.

I am afraid that the little bounce it has to make everytime it passes a doorstep is damaging the camera or laser "eye" that scans the room somehow.

And, there were some new things to pick up at the postoffice today, three packages. A new replacement Neato ofcourse that I already talked about. Settlers of Catan that is said to be one of the best trading/strategy games. I have never played it before. A new "New Nintendo 3DS", this time in XL format, and in a limited white Happy Home Designer design. I think it was cute :)

I also got a 32Gb SD Micro for the 3DS. So I won't worry about running out of memory on it. I have not installed that yet, Also some new charger stuff for the 3DS, memory and charger stuff all came in the same package.

I got alot of things in the mail to pick up at the postoffice on the same day.

Plums

I got these plums from my neighbour. They are so good and sweet. I cannot stop eating them. Yum yum yum

My mother is going to make plum jam or something.

But there are endless amount of plums to eat.

Wii Fit U

I am really happy with my Wii Fit U. And that it was only 489 SEK. VERY cheap. I was afraid that there might be something wrong with it for that price. Normally it is 990 SEK on most other places.

I tried it yesterday. I have been playing Wii Fit before many times. And I borrowed Wii Fit Plus for a while.

I wanted to show my mother. But someone of us, or both of us was a little bit eager.

The first thing I tried was jogging. And you were supposed to hold the gamepad infront of you to look for friends. That felt completly pointless. And when jogging it didn't seem to register my steps very well.

And things need to be calibrated properly first. And for some reason the calibation went to hell first time so I was just spinning in circles. That I was spinning in circles was something my mother did not even seem to notice at all. She just kept asking why I needed to hold the gamepad all the time. 

*sigh* well there is s reason. And I kept telling her, there is something wrong when I first started it. "You see if I hold it straight I keep spinning around", and she just ignored it completly.

I personally like the "gamey" parts of Wii Fit

So I showed her the Yoga and things like that. She seemed more interested in this. Also happened one time that the balance board got out of calibration. So in one excersice I had to lean a little bit too much to the right to get the center of gravity correct.

My mother kept asking what was wrong with ME, and she stood up and showed me "just do this, it is simple". And I frustratingly tried to explain to her that there was a little red dot on the screen that you are supposed to keep stable inside a yellow area. But when I was standing correctly on the board, the red dot was going to it's maximum in another direction. This means that the program did not register the center properly from the beginning.

But she did just not understand it, or refused to understand it. And trying to calm her down and explain it very slowly. She will just completly ignore it and keep trying to explain to me "look, she is doing this pose in the game, do that"... And I'm like, yes.. but, but, but, but.. gaaah... I understand that already. My mind was too busy thinking about making the game to work properly so that it can register my results properly. While she would ignore that, and just do the excercise.

I hate excercise, the only thing that can make it fun for me are these kinds of things like the Wii Fit, that gives you all these numbers and graphs and stuff. Then it is fun.

So... She kept asking me "Do you often fall to that side, that is not good. Why are you like that?".. this is one of those times I can loose my temper really easily. She is destroying that nice moment I wanted to have with mum, showing her how fun and practical the wii fit is. I just wanted to erase, start over, "can you understand that there has happened something with the machine, it is faulty, it doesn't work properly. We need to start over". At this point she might go haywire and think that I need to give it back to the store or something, and maybe that is why it was so cheap..

My anger and frustration just grows and grows. Take a deep breath and relax. Some people are not technical, they can simply not understand technical things. But they are probably very good at understanding other things very well, that I probably am bad at.

Instead of having some physiotherapist coming over and showing almost exactly the same things the Wii Fit U does.

Ofcourse I can have a physiotherapist anyway, and I can show him/her the Wii  Fit if they dont really now about it already. Their excercises was a little bit different. I do them also sometimes.

But the different is. After 30 min of Wii Fit U, it affected my entire mental state. I felt so much more happy, less tired, more motivated, less easy to get angry. I just felt good. I will try and keep using it 30min per day. And maybe a short walk with the stepcounter. It so much more fun now with the Wii U step counter.

The nurses came to visit. They did not at all understand the point of the Wii Fit. They're so fun (sarcastic). They always want to recommend things like."you should go out more often and do some simple excersises".  Yes, I do that. And I pointed to the balance board. And they didn't get it at all. I said I use this and then I take small walks. I think this Wii Fit makes it a little bit more fun instead of this gray boring 'same thing every day'-routine. It is depressing.

Same thing wih the food. The nurses. And mother also is like.."But if you feel like you need a little food you can always take a little through the feeding tube"... yes practical. But when I don'"t need the feeding tube. How damn boring is it. To just sit there and wait with this thing droppin in. I can play games while I do it. But I would rather eat something and taste it. I know I only have this limited time left to be able to taste anything at all.

And this -> "But you can just take something through the feeding tube" :D, isn't that fun?

No, 

Ok whatever. I am howerer very very happy with my Wii Fit U.

Step counter

Simson and balance board

Fatso

Box

Help, what a terrible nightmare.

Tonight my computer worked on producing this terrifying Deep Dream image of me. When I was in the hospital after the operation.

I did not sleep very well this night, I woke up often. I took sleeping pills but I only slept for a few hours. When I woke up I felt quite good anyway.
I am still worried a little bit, like that panic attack is still hanging on a little bit from yesterday.

Today some friends wants to come and visit, but I don't know if I really feel like it.

When I woke up this morning I played Mario Maker, making a new level. I have removed some of the old levels from an older post, so you might now find them.

Here is the new one from today

9782-0000-008B-A5F5

The new Neato is working well so far. It got stuck on my coord to the headphones. I hope it didn't damage the Neato now. I accidentely turned off housecleaning when removing the coord from the Neato also, it was going back for charging. So I just put it back on the charger and started a new cleaning process.

Wii Fit U

I ordered a Wii Fit U. It was only 489 SEK. With all the things with it. I think that was pretty cheap.

I also got my new Neato yesterday. This one seems to work very well. It gets stuck on my doorsteps/thresholds,  but it has been the same with all of them. Eventually they seem to learn how to get over them without getting stuck.

I am really hungry now.

I have gained so much weight

I can hardly walk up the stairs.

I need to practise. I did the excersises that they showed me at the hospital once. I need to do that everyday. But I hate exercise. I will forget to do it. I know it.

78.9kg today. Phew.

Maybe I should get Wii Fit U.

What a crappy day it was yesterday

I was so depressed yesterday. And I was telling my friends alot of things that has been irritating me about them. E, ofcourse the bully type person could not take a little bit of critisism.

I said that I felt hurt by constantly hearing how childish and boring my interests are. I didn't really say "I felt hurt". But I said how much I hated when people have that attitude, "you can not do it"-attitude. Like the guy in the store, or my father.

So E responded very sarcastic like "Well, bo-ho, sorry then that I said it was impossible to put together some tape and wooden sticks and maybe make it fly". Like he didn't deserve the critisism, and also ridicule my hobby by making it sound stupid and childish. 

Like how he laughed at me when I bought a multimeter many years ago, that kind of attitude is still stuck. I never understood why that was funny.

Like how he laughed at the electronics breadboard, how it looked like a childrens toy. Maybe it does, because it is blue and white and has some colors on the connectors. But, I can not stand that laughter. It always has a sense of making him sound superiour.

I guy that studied together with me the last year in school. He built his own robotic lawn mover. I mean, he built everything. He carved out parts of the chassis in wood. And it looked quite funny.

He is lucky that he doesn't have E as a friend. Because E would roll around on the ground laughing at that thing. He would ask what it could do and why it couldn't do this and that, he would comment on how the blade he used on it was completly useless and how the thing is just utter crap and laugh. He would have this attitude that, if you can't do something that is just as good as anything you can buy in a store. Then what is the point in making it.

I, however do know how to show some respect. I understand very well that when you design electronics, the last thing you think about is how it looks estetically. You make some prototype that works. Then after that you can make it look better also. But this was just a hobby project, it was never meant to be a real product. I understand that when you make something like that, the fun part is making it. Then if the result is crappy doesn't matter. The fun part was making it, and making it work. And then, when you get bored on that project and move on to the next.

I would never laugh at someone, because I know how much it hurts them and how it just makes their motivation go to hell.

I kept complaining on things yesterday in the chatroom. But the last thing that they seemed to understand was that I have terminal cancer. And I don't feel well,  especially in the night. I kept thinking, and talking about all those moments that was stuck in my head. When I felt hurt by them.

One that just popped into my head. When E threw a snowball right at the driver side window when I was driving slowly by them, winking goodbye. And everyone laughed hysterically over this. I was scared like hell when that thing popped right next to my head. And I was thinking, "stupid idiot", and just drove home.. so once I did excatly the same thing on E. But ofcourse because I am me, and I am a looser. I think I missed the window. And another friend told me I was being stupid and said "Don't do that" in a very parenting way, because there can be small stones in the snow that can crush the window. And I think E had a sour grin on his face when I threw that snowball, because he was thinking the same maybe. Hypocrit.

This almost explains everything. It explains what kind of status everyone has in the group.

And I absolutely hate this "system". And sometimes I just absolutely hate E. Always in the center of attention, standing there like some Budda..Harmless and has never hurt a soul in his entire life. He is just perfect. Good looking, funny and charming. Actually I have never met a more perfect person. He always wins. He wins discussions. He won yesterday when I was complaining, by making me feel like I had no reason to complain.

This is not a moment were I felt hurt, but maybe a little bit irriated. I mentioned when we were in Japan, at the Ryokan. And M had set the AC to like 50 degrees celcius in the middle of the night. Well, first of all, M isn't very bright. He said he didn't remember the Ryokan, and asked if it was the place we ate at in Kyoto. After a while he understood it was the hostel I meant. His explanation was that the remote control had "japanese symbols" on it so he didn't understand how it worked that he had set it on such a high temperature. Even if the guy that owned the place had explained how it worked. It had three buttons, on/off, up and down. And they had even translated the text on the buttons. Well,  I just *sighed*. It wasn't one of the moments that was among the worst. It was just so stupid. I was often irritated during the Japan trip for all of the times I had to spend on McDonalds because he was hungry. And always asked me "But, aren't you going to eat something, aren't you hungry"... yes, I was hungry sometimes. But I wasn't going to eat fucking McDonalds when I am in Japan probably for the first and last time in my life. I'd rather spend all my time investigating the sewer system of Tokyo for 2 weeks and then go home than eat at McD, Burger King or KFC. What a waste of f@/&@&ng time that was.

They never seemed to understand that I was deeply depressed. The only response I seemed to get was that I do not have anything to complain about. They have only been nice to me always,  and I was just being stupid to be so angry at them now. It seemed like that anyway.

I even mentioned that I have a tumour in my face that is constantly growing. That I can't do anything about. Maybe they had forgotten about that. I never got a response on this. And I wonder what they think. Do they think "You're not the only one in the world with a tumour, stop complaining". Or do they think "We are all going to die some day,  stop complaining". I don't know.

They don't seem to understand very well. E always asks if I want to come over to his place. I have to explain that I don't think it is good for me to drive that far. I can drive a short distance. I have problems with my neck, I can't turn around and look behind me that easily. I am very stiff. I eat lots of painkillers that contain morphine. My hearing is damaged. I have borowed some hearing aid devices. But I think they are very irritaring. They should be custom made for me really. For amplifying the frequencies that I need. But I think the medication is the first thing that is the reason I shouldn't drive. First of all, you are risking others peoples lives when you drive in that condition.

I know I have no excuse to drive a short distance. It is just as dangerous.... well a longer distance could make me more tired and potentially more dangerous.

I just left the chatroom. And I already miss it. It was good to have it. They are not always stupid. Most of the time we have a good time together, I think most of the time anyway. And it felt good to always be able to write something or post a picture. Even if they never responded on it. Or just ignored it. It didn't matter much. It just felt good to have.

And maybe I will join it again. And maybe E would laugh at it and say something "yeah, you come crawling back to us after all".

OK then, but maybe I am  just filling up a natural need in my brain. Maybe you don't really mean anything to me. Maybe I am like a cat. They don't care for their owners. They just stay where ever they get food. But.. no I won't say that. Cause he would only laugh and say. "Yeah that is true". Or something. He would not care at all.

....And while I am  writing, I am back in the group again. C added me to the group. Yeah. Whatever. I'll put it on silent.

I want to do something

I want to be creative and work on something.

I just feel like eating all the time. And I gain weight. 78kg now.

I want to read my books and do something with my electronics.

I went to a store that has hobby stuff and looking at their brushless dc engines. They told me that buildning my own quad copter was not worth the money, just buy a complete one. And I was like "mmeeeh, no".  That ruins all the fun for me. I don't really want a quad copter, that doesn't  interest me. I want to build a thing that drives 4 motors, senses angle and tilting and rotation etc and adjusting the power to the engines. And see if my program works or not. That is the fun part, just buying a quad copter and use it is not so fun.

I want it to fail. I expect it to fail. That is part of the fun. Figuring out what I did wrong, fix it, hack it, etc etc.

I was thinking about buying some of those RN42 Bluetooth adapters. They were easy to use.

But you need a lot of PWM outputs for brushless dc motors. Didn't expect that. But that can be fixed.

Buut you keeep hearing from friends and dad, and peole in the store laughing at you saying you need special tools. special this and that. knowledgde of that and that, and basically just get laughed in your face.

I really really loved being at OHM2013, If there is a heaven, I wish it is like that. Where were 12 or 13 year olds showing up their quad copter projects. Ofcourse they fail, but that it the point. You fail and then you learn why it fails and then you move forward.

And one day, you are that guy who helps everyone in class with the programming excercises so that they can get their grades... sad world. I hate it.

More postcards that I put in frames

I went out today and bought some frames. I had a postcard that I bought in Berlin. And four ones from Japan.

I am quite sure I bought one one those tsunami pictures in Japan. I think so anyway. But I can't find it so maybe I never bought one.

I also found some stones at home that I found in Jordan. And maybe some of them are from Israel. Not sure which one I foubd where. Also a bracelet that I think I found in Jordan.

Thinking about my game

I just started doing something... And I can't even remember correct C++ syntax.

I wrote "namespace std;" and it didn't compile. And I did something else for a few hours. And looked ar my old code. And it is supposed to be "using namespace std;".. Oh. OK :)

Still not sure if I want to use C++ or just standard C. I am not so good at C++. 

But maybe that is good. I need to learn how to use it.

I felt it would be fun to try and make the game without graphics. Because that is how I like working anyway. I want to do the "boring" parts first. Like the BASIC parser and things like that. Back when I was talking on how Notch worked, that he made something playable first. With graphics, something you can run around in. And maybe that would boost the motivation to continue doing something.

But maybe I shouldn't do it like he does it anyway. But do it my way.

I would like to have something playable as well in the beginning. But the problem has been, I don't know what the game is supposed to be. I don't really know what the goal of the game is. I think that has been the problem.

I love thinking back at when my brother made a simple game on Amiga. Where you would have rooms that you could walk around in. But it was only textbased. It was a prompt that said "You're standing in a room with 4 doors, what do you want to do?". And you would write "Go left". And you walked into the door to the left. And if you were unlucky, there would be an enemy in there.

Everything was kind of random I think. So if you killed an enemy it would just be by luck. I don't remember what the goal was or anything. But anyway, we had a lot of fun with that game anyway.

Not that I want to do a game like that. I want to make a game with graphics. But I mean, I can wait with the graphics. And try to do a game without thinking so much about the graphics first, because I am bad at that. But  try to make a playable game, that has a goal and a meaning but without any advanced graphics.

Maybe just ncurses if enough.

I picked up reading the Flex & Bison book from where I left off.

I don't really have that 100% motivation to work on it for a long time without interruption.

I started to get an automake and doxygen enviroment working.. almost. I've done it with C before. Now it is going to be 100% C++

Today turned into a pretty good day

My mother came to visit. She helped me to buy special socks for my feet. For the water that is in my feet. It helps to press up the water. Or something like that. Or block the water not to get down in my feet maybe.

I made some good food. It was successful food this time. Potatoes with fish and my favourite egg sauce. Just plain white sauce with pieces of boiled eggs in it. I used some of the water from the boiled fish. And that was good.

I put up the whiteboard and cluttered some circuit on it. A non-inverting amplifier... I don't know if I got the calculations right. On such a simple and basic thing. I should be able to calculate any strange opamp connection.

I felt that my brain had forgotten alot or that old math. Wasn't a circuit with feedback on the negative input supposed to be inverting? I have forgotten. But that is not a big deal. You'll just look it up in a formula collection or use google,  like all other engineers do all the time..

I don't like learning things in a way so that you know it inside out. I want to understand things on a deeper level. So that when you connect an opamp in this way, I can figure it out what it does. I can look at the circuit and see  "oh, current will go this way and that way resulting in this equation and then the basic function of the opamp would make this result".... Instead of "I recognize this circuit, I know what it does but I don't know why". I hope you know what I mean.

Some people in school studied just the things you needed to beat the tests. They asked the teachers "what do we need to know, what pages in the book do we need to read" Things like that.. I hated that. I wanted to read the entire book. I wanted to get a completely random problem in my test, and then being able to solve it by understanding how to use my knowledge that I have studied. That is much more fun I think.

And I  can  get it wrong. It is not a big deal. But this circuit is so basic. It is so simple. But when you never use the knowledge, it slowly dissipates. That is boring. I would like to do a little bit of the math everyday to keep it alive.
My teacher in math once said. Put the the calculator away. And don't use it to calculate things like 8 * 17 or 53 / 4. Do it on the paper or in your head. An answer that is a fraction is OK. You don't have to answer in lots of decimals like 3.473636.

But just using your head to do the simple math, it activates and makes your brain work  in the parts in your brain that does math, and it will help you when you do integrals and laplace transforms and linear algebra etc etc. I did that. And I think it it works.

And I got a game in the mail in mint condition. Gyruss.. But now I want to do other things. So here are random pictures from the day.

Food, potatoes. Fish and egg sauce.

The new white board.. Where I notice the mistake I did. Vin is supposed to be connected to the positive input on the opamp ofcourse. Then it would be a non-inverting amp.

Gyruss for NES  in a protective plastic case

It was in better condition than I expected it to be :) Completely new.

The protective plastic case.

Gyruss before the original plastic was removed.

Seems like my orchids are getting flowers. They have not had flowers in a long time.

Fish in slowly boiling water. I don't fill up the water over the fish. Just some in the bottom, with different spices in it. Bay leaf and pepper.

Egg sauce, yummy.

I don't really feel like writing

But I`ll write a little anyway.

As you can see my feet were very swollen yesterday.

Also there was stupid discussions in the chat room. And I am always the one that is wrong. No matter what I say. The superior alpha male is always correct no matter what he says. And then there are personal opinions ofcourse.

I don't mind being forced to pay for commercial free radio and TV in Sweden. What they produce for that money is actually of high quality. Compared to channels that you are not forced to pay for but has to see commercials anyway.

But I get irritated over people, who pay for a service that lets you download movies and series for free. Where non of that money goes to the film makers. The money goes to the the people running the servers so that you don't have to seed a kilobyte to anyone else when downloading.

First of all, you are missing the entire point of the bittorrent system, which is a good system I would like to see take over all sorts of file downloading online. Bittorrent has nothing to do with piracy. And is your upload functionality so precious to you like it is your own dick. That is what is so sad with everyrhing today.

Someone said. It is good that the film industry and music industry have to suffer a little bit. Yes, I agree a little bit. They are greedy, and they do produce a lot of shit.

Where do they get the money for the Transformers movies, if piracy is hurting the industry so much?

Well. There were many things that irritated me again about my friends and their stupid attitude against things. I cannot change them. They just kept ignoring what I wrote, that made me angry. Lonely...What am I to them? Am I a friend to them?

Once I said that the most beautiful thing in life was "this" moment. A moment many years ago when we were on a sailing boat during the sunset and the weather was perfect... Do you know what the response was.... 

Laughter. They laughed at me.

Once I said that,  I loved sunsets and just sitting there feeling relaxed. E responded that it was a cliché and laughed at it.

But, yesterday E said the same thing. That the beauty in life is not in our electronics and your tv's or computers bla bla bla...  That experience life was being outside and enjoying nature. And I never felt like laughing at him for saying that. I agree. Nature is beautiful. But this is how he can be such a manipulative hypocrite.

And all these thoughts came rushing through my head on how girl came rushing up towards him and saying things like "ooh,  I love you E, tou are so philosophical and deep oooooh how cute".

Compared to the situation where I said something similar, and E just *scoffed* at it.

Ofcourse there would be a girl next to him at that moment too. Probably not saying anything.

E can manipulate you in a way during s discussion. So that your thought process just stands still, I can't think for myself any more. I can't respond to his stupidity. So even if he says something really really stupid, and you try to explain to him how wrong he is. He will do something or say something making it so that my brain actually believes in his stupid idea, and then maybe the next day you'll have a good answer in your head. But then it is already too late anyway.

The truth is, he is a hypocrite, egoistical and selfish. He can sometimes act as a complete idiot and always get away with it. And he manipulates people. you can't have a discussion, because he needs to win the discussion, always.

And I should't really think or write about it now. Because it makes me depressed and kills my motivation.

Sometimes I feel like I want to say something to E. That hurts just as much as when he says things that hurts me. With his hysterical laughter.

Once I said that I want to stop spending time with them so much. Or probably not  at all. They said nothing. And I think they ignored it.

I think I have said it twice. The first time E laughed and said "hahaha, oh, you will be crawling back us.". And that hurt me. Because I believed in it.

But I don't want it to be like that. Now I don't really spend time with them so much the last few years. I just stopped contacting them. I think that is the best way. I notice that it is them who comes crawling back to me.

Now I feel I need more social contact than usual. Because I am alone at home. Often bored. And feel the need sometimes to talk to people.

But I don't know if this chat group we have is having a positive or negative effect on me.

Now I have stop writing about this. Because it makes everything feel worse.

Swollen feet

Not good today or yesterday evening

I lost my temper on my Neato Vacuum cleaner.

If I had the money, I would spend thousands of it on AdWords to talk about how bad their products really are... At the same time, I was so pleased with my first one that worked fine for 2-3 months before I got any serious problems.

The Neato, like usual just stopped on one of my doorsteps and complained that it was blocked, "untangle" or what ever it says. My father was there, and how a person can be so incompetent on electronics is beyond my understanding. I  just said, "Press the long black button", and nothing happened. Of course the display was off, so you had to press the large round button first to start it and THEN press the long black "OK" button. He did not understand that. This was when I started to loose my temper. He said "It doesn't work, I press the button". So I had to go up and do it myself.
Yeah, I should have said "If the display is off just press the large grey button and then press the "OK" button" *sigh* I thought he could figure this out for himself, but no. I had so say "It is unfuckingbelievable how some people can be so technically incompetent".

Any way, that did not work. So I pressed OK again, still stuck, and it kept doing that even if I hammered on the OK button, not with an actual hammer, but just like you do when playing bullet hell games without autofire.

I lost my temper here, all the problems with these Neato cleaners came rushing though my head. I just picked the damn thing up and threw it on the floor with all my weak force I have left. Some plastic bits came off. I have not found them yet.

(Another scary thing that just happened right now, was that I got one of those micro-sleeps. And When I woke up. All that I had written was gone... Thank "God" for ctrl+z.)

Thinking about my game again

I get a this motivation feeling to start doing something. But it dies quickly when I think back at that BASIC parser.

I just have all these voices left in my head from people telling me "Oh, no, not another crappy spacegame". And my motivation is gone in a second. Once there was this complete idiot on IRC, just brutally murdering my motivation to keep programming at all. Saying things like, he felt sorry for my bos hiring someone like me. I just thought the idea of having two different instructions in a CPU do excactly the same thing.

I don't know how to implement the BASIC parser in my game. Like a scripting engine. Or actually do so that it compiles into opcodes and simulate the whole computer. Or.. I don't know.

Maybe I should make a text based game. Like I used to. When I was 12.

Maybe I should use ncurses.

It has to start somewhere. I think I usually start with the most advanced stuff first. Just so that I can have something to show of to people. And that might be my biggest problem.

Even if I do that, I always kept hearing, or getting the response that it looks boring. And then I try to explain. But I cannot do Crysis graphics and sound effects in two months and make it look cool for you... what I have done IS cool, it IS advanced. You just can't see it.

And then they just leave showing their fat asses and talk about something else. Not even caring about what I have done or worked on. Because "We don't understand it", or whatever... While I would like to have some input... What can I do, what features would be cool in this game.. but.. yeah..  *sigh* no... It leaves me with the feeling that it is not worth the effort. I have even heard a friend say that what I do is a waste of time. If I cannot impress with cool graphics FIRST, it is pointless and a waste of time .

But they don't have any understanding in programming. I need to stop listening to them too much to them. 

No.. That is not a picture that has anything to do with the game. But my game idea has something to do with programming. And programming different devices.

Now. I am alone. Father has gone home. I feel free again. It feels great in a way.

Fell and hit my head

Yesterday morning I was looking around for my tea spoons. Because I know that I have many more teaspoons somewhere.

I was trying to stand on a chair. And I fell backwards. And it felt like I hit my head on the table behind me. But I am not sure I did that.

My dad was being stupid again..of course he was worried about me. But the he was trying to help me get back on my feet after like 3 seconds, taking my hand and pulling me up with force very fast. I shouted at him to stop. And I sat up on the floor and sat there for a while. Stubborn as he is he still wants to pull me up really fast. He doesn't think for a second that I might feel dizzy after falling and hitting my head.

I was too weak to get up on the chair and I was  too weak to get up from the floor like that. He doesn't understand my condition and how I feel. Not a single clue. He thinks I am like normal.

And if I really did hit my head on the table, wouldn't it be good to lie down still for a while and breath and relax until you feel ready to get back up. That is like, almost common sense.

I was not happy at all yesterday.

I finally lost my temper on my Neato. It kept stopping on the doorsteps/thresholds. And kept stopping for no reason,  "paused".

I just took it up and threw it on the floor with all my force. It kept getting the "vision blocked" error after that. My dad did not notice or say anything at all.

He didn't even hear the noise? He just passed by me like nothing had happened.

How come, he didn't notice that?

When I asked him he just says that he doesn't know what to do... Don't know what to do? At least say something. You can say for example "What happened?"

I remember when I saw a kid, and if I made the tiniest tiniest noise somwhere. Like I could drop a piece of lego on the floor. My dad would shot at me "WHAT the **** are you doing? Why are you making all that noise". Back then, it was completely opposite. We were supposed to be silent like mice.

 

I turned the Neato in for repair again. I spilled coffee all over it also when I fell. When I go to pick it up I might replace it with a D85 if possible. Maybe I should have said that first. But I'll ask anyway... Or I am not completely sure either.

There is a D85 with some remote control that seems the more interesting. It has not been released yet it seems like. You can look at neato robotics website and fill in your e-mail to get more info when it is released.

I slept on the couch all night.

And I really really really need to stop with my oxynorm. I've got a half bottle after only 3 days. It doesn't help me get more happy anyway.

I feel very sad now, I am worried about my ear.

It has swollen more and more around my ear. Making it almost completly impossible to hear anything on my left side.

I want to be able to listen to music that I love. Play guitar. And things like that. How can I ever do that. I will always play so it sounds like shit. Because I can't hear notes. I was not good at that before either. But it is like playing with plugs in my ear.

I can't enjoy music in the same way. I remember when I could hear all those wonderful sharp sounds in Pink Floyd music for instance. Or Dire Straits. Or other Hi-Fi music. I can't do that anymore.

But there is a another thing that I really enjoyed. I listened through that 3CD Tom Waits album.. Orphans, while reading the lyrics at the same time. Tom Waits can do some really beautiful songs, and in-between some that are more difficult to listen to. And I think it is difficult to hear what he sings. Anyway I listened and read the lyrics. And found that it is a really really good album.

When I read the lyrics I could also hear it sounds more like music than noise. Of course, because it really is music. But he has a thing in his lyrics + voice in those noisy songs that makes them very deep and beautiful in a different way.

He writes some really good lyrics.

I took a large dose of oxascand now.

And I took a dose of oxynorm. Because that usually has a positive effect.

I cried a little now. I feel I need to be with my parents.

My friends are not to any good help now. They're more more of a burden. They often ignore my messages in the chat group. I whine and complain alot. But that is something new. It is usually I that have to listen to their complaints and whining about all sorts of different things.

I will try and enjoy my fika. My coffee is getting cold.

Eating all the candy.

Dad is visiting me

Sure it is fun with some company. And the evening times might not feel that ultra depressing. Well. He wants to watch TV alot,  ALOT. And TV usually bores me ALOT.

And I want to play my games. Lucky that you can do both with the Wii U. 

But he is not uplifting to have around. I show him things that I have done. I asked if he saw my sushi that I was proud of, I posted it here and on facebook. 

And he said "No".. So I showed him the tools, the bamboo mat. While he is not showing any interest at all. He just wanted to walk away and I had to shout after him "And these are the miso-soup mix".. "OK". He said without any interest at all.

And then I said you need this oil or vinager for the rice "Oh, is it to add salt so that it tastes anything?". And I *scoffed*.. it is always like that with him. 

Everything, absolutely everything needs salt to taste ANYTHING. It is like it is binary, no salt == no taste, extra salted == taste. I tried explaining.
Yes it does add a little bit to the flavour if you add a little bit of salt, it tastes what it is supposed to taste. If you add too much salt it just tastes salt. He always buys butter "extra salted" while I always buy butter organic "Krav" which is normally salted. And my father asks "Why do you always buy Krav/organic, it doesn't taste any different"... AHA, busted!  So you admit extra salted butter doesn't taste better than normally salted butter.

And you see, WHY in the WORLD would I buy organic food for the taste. If I buy organic I expect it to taste exactly the same as non organic. If it actually does taste better. That is a huge plus.

"But why buy more expensive food if it doesn't taste better"

I could ask,  him "Why buy extra salted butter if it doesn't taste better plus gives you higher risk of heart diseses"... 

Of course, I got cancer now so the best thing in my case would be to shut up.

People in general are very fast pulling out that simple card "but, lol, you've got cancer so all your burden in buying organic etc etc is quite useless isn't it".

Pick a small group like my friendship group. They could say "We eat McDonalds. Kebab, chips a and coca cola probably everyday". Did I talk about my friend who still had the fabrication plastic stuff left in his oven a year after it was installed. He never used it. I bet he never used his plates for anything more advanced than boil water maybe.

But he eats McDonalds, pizza, Burger King, Max.... or frozen microwave meals.

I am the guy who likes to make my own food, I always buy the organic option of a product. I would do anything to eat, anything that would pop into my mind that sounds good, googling and following a recipe and not be afraid of failing. Because I've failed a "couple" of times. Because sometimes you have to fail first, before you can redo and make it better. I've done things I have been very pleased with. Made my own bread, smörgåsgårta, vegetarian lasagne, "plommon-späckad skinkstek" my favorite, also known as "söndagsstek" or something like that. I don't really follow a recipe when doing that. I just make things up as I go. My friend is the guy who thinks making tacos is the most advanced kind of food you can make yourself.

I read one online from a person who wrote "don't give any money to those cancer organisations. If people stopped putting all that crap in their bodies they would not have cancer. Chips and dip ans cola and McDonalds, you name it".

Meaning, it is your own fault you have cancer. And these organisations is taking advantage of you, just taking your money and drive around in nice cars.

I felt hurt hearing this. "It is your own fault that you have cancer".

I know a lot of people who eat fast food and crap food very often. And when I say that I know that they do this. I really do know they do.

Cancer can be the cause of so many things. In my case in 2010, I got NPC cancer. When googling around on that you can find that people sensitive to a virus called EBV (Epstein-Barr Virus) can develop this form of cancer. So what did that have anything to do with eating... Whatever diet you wish you use, pick anyone, LCHF, or whatever.

When it comes to the diet, eating too much salty fish and meat helps the virus to develop cancercells... well that is a very very short explanation of an hypotesis. But I don't eat alot of meat, not alot of salt either. But I do love fish. So everyone that likes to eat fish now, beware.

When it comes to the cancer I got now. They are pretty certain that it was caused by the radiation therapy that they gave me in 2010..

There isn't really any rights and wrongs with food.... of course a healtyh diet is ALWAYS good. But this cancer crazyness, well it is just crazyness. These people I know. They will keep eating their cola and chips and fast food and never learn to cook anything themselves. They'll live a cancer free life anyway.

While I will continue to cook my own food, as long as I can, eat lots of vegetarian food, etc etc because I love it. Not because I force myself to eat something I don't like to get a better health. But because I like that food. And I don't think cancer has anything to do with anything else than just really bad luck.

I was going to write this blog post on how much my father bores me. Him and his mid day naps. I can hear him snoring now, after eating he always takes a nap.. And he always needs to say it in such a boring way. I feel tired too sometimes. But there is nothing more depressing I think, than sleeping away a few hours in the middle of the day. Unless I am really really sick or something.

But if I am tired in the middle of the day. I'd rather take a cup of coffee and sugar to kick-start the brain again and keep going, that feels the best.

This mid day nap is like depression fuel for me. And just hearing my father snoring in there is depression fuel. And he soon wakes up and want to watch the news. *sigh* same news he watched just before.

My coffee is ready. And this blog post has actually taken all day to write. And now I feel like sitting here complaining and whining instead of doing something else is making me depressed.

Breakfast and Mario Maker

Games and food is really not a good combination. Either you eat your food and just watch the boring title screen.

Or you play and your coffee gets cold and your sandwhiches dry.

If I do both, my controllers gets greasy.

I need to find out a good way to do both.

I have already reheated my coffee once. Hope it is not one of those days where I still have a little bit of morning coffee left till the evening.

Did I go to to bed t @ 22? But I still woke up.

I don't remember. But it feels like I have been sleeping an entire night. But it is only 01:12 now. I've only slept a couple of hours.

Maybe I should take my temperature. Just to see everything is OK.

Simson wanted to go in. Maybe not for long.

Notice that I am completly out of oxascand as well. Hmm.

It feels. Like I get worried alot. I cleaned in my mouth a little. Mostly getting out blood from that little hole. The tumour is growing around and containing my teeth on the left side. They gave me this Prontoral to squirt between the tumour and the teeth. It seems to work great! I don't feel any special pain anyway.

37.7 degrees. think you should add 0.2. So it was 37.9. And I measured again and it was 36..7, or 36.9.

I noticed that there was a battery warning on the temperature meter. Needs new batteries.

So I need to buy one of those flat ones again. I thought I had some at home. But I could not find them.

I try to think about that game. That is fun sometimes.

David Gilmour - Rattle That Lock

Eating my food and listening to the new David Gilmour album.

A CD is not enough for me. I needed the blu-ray and vinyl as well :)

I get Dire Straits feelings from this...Well, that is my first few minutes of impression. It might not mean anything at all later. I need to stretch my ear constantly to hear all the sounds. But it sounds great. Now I will try and relax and hear this piece of art music.

Update.

Well, yes it was good of course it was! You need to be some kind of expert critic to say anything else about this. And I am no expert critic. This is David Gilmour we are talking about. And since I love both his own solo work and Pink Floyd and music like this in general (if that even exists, Gilmours music is unique). I don't really feel like I want to be critical at all.

I just want to sit down and relax and enjoy this beautiful piece of music.

It was a short album, just like Pink Floyd's latest album was. I would have loved to hear twice as much of it. But I am still grateful for this little piece, that it exists.

When I first started to listen to Pink Floyd when I was 16 or 17 or something like that. I always wondered what their music and lyrics was about. I was always a kid with too much imagination, they said I was a daydreamer. I had all sorts of ideas what their albums was about, and every time I listened to it, it meant something new. I also had that experience with David Lynch's movies.

Every time I would see Eraserhead it had a different meaning to me. Or Lost Highway, or Mullholland Drive, etc...

When listening to Dark Side of the Moon it could have a different meaning  each time. Same thing with every PF album. And I loved it when it was like that!

As I said, I am no expert critic. And this is David Gilmour, his music stands steady like a copper statue in the middle of a beautiful garden. You can't really go there and paint ugly little tags like little skater kids. You'll get arrested. Your parents would ask you if you are going insane?

I have got problems with my ears. Both of them now. After chemotherapy I got severe tinnitus. Now a tumour on my left side. And for the last few days it has swollen so that it blocks my ear a  little bit. I can use my finger to pull on my ear and it would open. So I had to do that while listening to this album.

But I still enjoyed it. And even though it was short. I would go back to this garden I talked about above, many many times. And maybe take a trip over to the Endless River a few times also :) And there will be no ugly grafitti allowed in my garden.

Because it is only in my mind. Nobody else is there. And they are both very good albums indeed even if I still don't know what Rattle That Lock is about. It doesn't matter, as I've tried to explain before. It doesn't ruin the experience with this kind of music.

Then you can read into the lyrics and listen to what the artists have to say about the meaning of everything and what the story is. And that is another experience. 

But that usually comes later for me. Anyway, great album!

This day passed so quickly

Not until now 16:50 I drink the last little drops of my morning coffee.

I made coffee this morning, while playing fantasy life and writing an real-time review on it here. Since I am so tired it it almost impossible to write anything with my micro-sleeps that I get.

Sometimes I just nod with my head, and I am sleeping, but I still think that I am writing. So when I wake up I've been holding down a key or something. Or I drop the phone... yeah the usual, I have said it before. I keep saying it until I find the best way to express it : P

I was stopped in the middle of playing Fantasy Life because I got visit from the nurses and the doctor from the palliative care team that I have. Don't know how long they stayed. They arrived here at 13:30. 

Anyway, I ate my last sandwich before they came in. But I had my risifrutti and coffee to drink. Set the game on pause.

Now when they have left I can eat the last of my breakfast. Only writing this blogpost is stopping me.

I think writing in the blog has stolen most of the hours. Anyway. Now I feel that I am done with writing for now. I will eat this. Take a walk to the store. 

Make and eat some proper food when I come home. And then keep playing or writing about my own game that I started writing about yesterday.

Wow. This day was fast.