I just feel like eating all the time. And I gain weight. 78kg now.
I want to read my books and do something with my electronics.
I went to a store that has hobby stuff and looking at their brushless dc engines. They told me that buildning my own quad copter was not worth the money, just buy a complete one. And I was like "mmeeeh, no". That ruins all the fun for me. I don't really want a quad copter, that doesn't interest me. I want to build a thing that drives 4 motors, senses angle and tilting and rotation etc and adjusting the power to the engines. And see if my program works or not. That is the fun part, just buying a quad copter and use it is not so fun.
I want it to fail. I expect it to fail. That is part of the fun. Figuring out what I did wrong, fix it, hack it, etc etc.
I was thinking about buying some of those RN42 Bluetooth adapters. They were easy to use.
But you need a lot of PWM outputs for brushless dc motors. Didn't expect that. But that can be fixed.
Buut you keeep hearing from friends and dad, and peole in the store laughing at you saying you need special tools. special this and that. knowledgde of that and that, and basically just get laughed in your face.
I really really loved being at OHM2013, If there is a heaven, I wish it is like that. Where were 12 or 13 year olds showing up their quad copter projects. Ofcourse they fail, but that it the point. You fail and then you learn why it fails and then you move forward.
And one day, you are that guy who helps everyone in class with the programming excercises so that they can get their grades... sad world. I hate it.
I went out today and bought some frames. I had a postcard that I bought in Berlin. And four ones from Japan.
I am quite sure I bought one one those tsunami pictures in Japan. I think so anyway. But I can't find it so maybe I never bought one.
I also found some stones at home that I found in Jordan. And maybe some of them are from Israel. Not sure which one I foubd where. Also a bracelet that I think I found in Jordan.
I just started doing something... And I can't even remember correct C++ syntax.
I wrote "namespace std;" and it didn't compile. And I did something else for a few hours. And looked ar my old code. And it is supposed to be "using namespace std;".. Oh. OK :)
Still not sure if I want to use C++ or just standard C. I am not so good at C++.
But maybe that is good. I need to learn how to use it.
I felt it would be fun to try and make the game without graphics. Because that is how I like working anyway. I want to do the "boring" parts first. Like the BASIC parser and things like that. Back when I was talking on how Notch worked, that he made something playable first. With graphics, something you can run around in. And maybe that would boost the motivation to continue doing something.
But maybe I shouldn't do it like he does it anyway. But do it my way.
I would like to have something playable as well in the beginning. But the problem has been, I don't know what the game is supposed to be. I don't really know what the goal of the game is. I think that has been the problem.
I love thinking back at when my brother made a simple game on Amiga. Where you would have rooms that you could walk around in. But it was only textbased. It was a prompt that said "You're standing in a room with 4 doors, what do you want to do?". And you would write "Go left". And you walked into the door to the left. And if you were unlucky, there would be an enemy in there.
Everything was kind of random I think. So if you killed an enemy it would just be by luck. I don't remember what the goal was or anything. But anyway, we had a lot of fun with that game anyway.
Not that I want to do a game like that. I want to make a game with graphics. But I mean, I can wait with the graphics. And try to do a game without thinking so much about the graphics first, because I am bad at that. But try to make a playable game, that has a goal and a meaning but without any advanced graphics.
Maybe just ncurses if enough.
I picked up reading the Flex & Bison book from where I left off.
I don't really have that 100% motivation to work on it for a long time without interruption.
I started to get an automake and doxygen enviroment working.. almost. I've done it with C before. Now it is going to be 100% C++
My mother came to visit. She helped me to buy special socks for my feet. For the water that is in my feet. It helps to press up the water. Or something like that. Or block the water not to get down in my feet maybe.
I made some good food. It was successful food this time. Potatoes with fish and my favourite egg sauce. Just plain white sauce with pieces of boiled eggs in it. I used some of the water from the boiled fish. And that was good.
I put up the whiteboard and cluttered some circuit on it. A non-inverting amplifier... I don't know if I got the calculations right. On such a simple and basic thing. I should be able to calculate any strange opamp connection.
I felt that my brain had forgotten alot or that old math. Wasn't a circuit with feedback on the negative input supposed to be inverting? I have forgotten. But that is not a big deal. You'll just look it up in a formula collection or use google, like all other engineers do all the time..
I don't like learning things in a way so that you know it inside out. I want to understand things on a deeper level. So that when you connect an opamp in this way, I can figure it out what it does. I can look at the circuit and see "oh, current will go this way and that way resulting in this equation and then the basic function of the opamp would make this result".... Instead of "I recognize this circuit, I know what it does but I don't know why". I hope you know what I mean.
Some people in school studied just the things you needed to beat the tests. They asked the teachers "what do we need to know, what pages in the book do we need to read" Things like that.. I hated that. I wanted to read the entire book. I wanted to get a completely random problem in my test, and then being able to solve it by understanding how to use my knowledge that I have studied. That is much more fun I think.
And I can get it wrong. It is not a big deal. But this circuit is so basic. It is so simple. But when you never use the knowledge, it slowly dissipates. That is boring. I would like to do a little bit of the math everyday to keep it alive.
My teacher in math once said. Put the the calculator away. And don't use it to calculate things like 8 * 17 or 53 / 4. Do it on the paper or in your head. An answer that is a fraction is OK. You don't have to answer in lots of decimals like 3.473636.
But just using your head to do the simple math, it activates and makes your brain work in the parts in your brain that does math, and it will help you when you do integrals and laplace transforms and linear algebra etc etc. I did that. And I think it it works.
And I got a game in the mail in mint condition. Gyruss.. But now I want to do other things. So here are random pictures from the day.
Food, potatoes. Fish and egg sauce.
The new white board.. Where I notice the mistake I did. Vin is supposed to be connected to the positive input on the opamp ofcourse. Then it would be a non-inverting amp.
Gyruss for NES in a protective plastic case
It was in better condition than I expected it to be :) Completely new.
The protective plastic case.
Gyruss before the original plastic was removed.
Seems like my orchids are getting flowers. They have not had flowers in a long time.
Fish in slowly boiling water. I don't fill up the water over the fish. Just some in the bottom, with different spices in it. Bay leaf and pepper.
As you can see my feet were very swollen yesterday.
Also there was stupid discussions in the chat room. And I am always the one that is wrong. No matter what I say. The superior alpha male is always correct no matter what he says. And then there are personal opinions ofcourse.
I don't mind being forced to pay for commercial free radio and TV in Sweden. What they produce for that money is actually of high quality. Compared to channels that you are not forced to pay for but has to see commercials anyway.
But I get irritated over people, who pay for a service that lets you download movies and series for free. Where non of that money goes to the film makers. The money goes to the the people running the servers so that you don't have to seed a kilobyte to anyone else when downloading.
First of all, you are missing the entire point of the bittorrent system, which is a good system I would like to see take over all sorts of file downloading online. Bittorrent has nothing to do with piracy. And is your upload functionality so precious to you like it is your own dick. That is what is so sad with everyrhing today.
Someone said. It is good that the film industry and music industry have to suffer a little bit. Yes, I agree a little bit. They are greedy, and they do produce a lot of shit.
Where do they get the money for the Transformers movies, if piracy is hurting the industry so much?
Well. There were many things that irritated me again about my friends and their stupid attitude against things. I cannot change them. They just kept ignoring what I wrote, that made me angry. Lonely...What am I to them? Am I a friend to them?
Once I said that the most beautiful thing in life was "this" moment. A moment many years ago when we were on a sailing boat during the sunset and the weather was perfect... Do you know what the response was....
Laughter. They laughed at me.
Once I said that, I loved sunsets and just sitting there feeling relaxed. E responded that it was a cliché and laughed at it.
But, yesterday E said the same thing. That the beauty in life is not in our electronics and your tv's or computers bla bla bla... That experience life was being outside and enjoying nature. And I never felt like laughing at him for saying that. I agree. Nature is beautiful. But this is how he can be such a manipulative hypocrite.
And all these thoughts came rushing through my head on how girl came rushing up towards him and saying things like "ooh, I love you E, tou are so philosophical and deep oooooh how cute".
Compared to the situation where I said something similar, and E just *scoffed* at it.
Ofcourse there would be a girl next to him at that moment too. Probably not saying anything.
E can manipulate you in a way during s discussion. So that your thought process just stands still, I can't think for myself any more. I can't respond to his stupidity. So even if he says something really really stupid, and you try to explain to him how wrong he is. He will do something or say something making it so that my brain actually believes in his stupid idea, and then maybe the next day you'll have a good answer in your head. But then it is already too late anyway.
The truth is, he is a hypocrite, egoistical and selfish. He can sometimes act as a complete idiot and always get away with it. And he manipulates people. you can't have a discussion, because he needs to win the discussion, always.
And I should't really think or write about it now. Because it makes me depressed and kills my motivation.
Sometimes I feel like I want to say something to E. That hurts just as much as when he says things that hurts me. With his hysterical laughter.
Once I said that I want to stop spending time with them so much. Or probably not at all. They said nothing. And I think they ignored it.
I think I have said it twice. The first time E laughed and said "hahaha, oh, you will be crawling back us.". And that hurt me. Because I believed in it.
But I don't want it to be like that. Now I don't really spend time with them so much the last few years. I just stopped contacting them. I think that is the best way. I notice that it is them who comes crawling back to me.
Now I feel I need more social contact than usual. Because I am alone at home. Often bored. And feel the need sometimes to talk to people.
But I don't know if this chat group we have is having a positive or negative effect on me.
Now I have stop writing about this. Because it makes everything feel worse.
If I had the money, I would spend thousands of it on AdWords to talk about how bad their products really are... At the same time, I was so pleased with my first one that worked fine for 2-3 months before I got any serious problems.
The Neato, like usual just stopped on one of my doorsteps and complained that it was blocked, "untangle" or what ever it says. My father was there, and how a person can be so incompetent on electronics is beyond my understanding. I just said, "Press the long black button", and nothing happened. Of course the display was off, so you had to press the large round button first to start it and THEN press the long black "OK" button. He did not understand that. This was when I started to loose my temper. He said "It doesn't work, I press the button". So I had to go up and do it myself.
Yeah, I should have said "If the display is off just press the large grey button and then press the "OK" button" *sigh* I thought he could figure this out for himself, but no. I had so say "It is unfuckingbelievable how some people can be so technically incompetent".
Any way, that did not work. So I pressed OK again, still stuck, and it kept doing that even if I hammered on the OK button, not with an actual hammer, but just like you do when playing bullet hell games without autofire.
I lost my temper here, all the problems with these Neato cleaners came rushing though my head. I just picked the damn thing up and threw it on the floor with all my weak force I have left. Some plastic bits came off. I have not found them yet.
(Another scary thing that just happened right now, was that I got one of those micro-sleeps. And When I woke up. All that I had written was gone... Thank "God" for ctrl+z.)
I get a this motivation feeling to start doing something. But it dies quickly when I think back at that BASIC parser.
I just have all these voices left in my head from people telling me "Oh, no, not another crappy spacegame". And my motivation is gone in a second. Once there was this complete idiot on IRC, just brutally murdering my motivation to keep programming at all. Saying things like, he felt sorry for my bos hiring someone like me. I just thought the idea of having two different instructions in a CPU do excactly the same thing.
I don't know how to implement the BASIC parser in my game. Like a scripting engine. Or actually do so that it compiles into opcodes and simulate the whole computer. Or.. I don't know.
Maybe I should make a text based game. Like I used to. When I was 12.
Maybe I should use ncurses.
It has to start somewhere. I think I usually start with the most advanced stuff first. Just so that I can have something to show of to people. And that might be my biggest problem.
Even if I do that, I always kept hearing, or getting the response that it looks boring. And then I try to explain. But I cannot do Crysis graphics and sound effects in two months and make it look cool for you... what I have done IS cool, it IS advanced. You just can't see it.
And then they just leave showing their fat asses and talk about something else. Not even caring about what I have done or worked on. Because "We don't understand it", or whatever... While I would like to have some input... What can I do, what features would be cool in this game.. but.. yeah.. *sigh* no... It leaves me with the feeling that it is not worth the effort. I have even heard a friend say that what I do is a waste of time. If I cannot impress with cool graphics FIRST, it is pointless and a waste of time .
But they don't have any understanding in programming. I need to stop listening to them too much to them.
No.. That is not a picture that has anything to do with the game. But my game idea has something to do with programming. And programming different devices.
Now. I am alone. Father has gone home. I feel free again. It feels great in a way.
Yesterday morning I was looking around for my tea spoons. Because I know that I have many more teaspoons somewhere.
I was trying to stand on a chair. And I fell backwards. And it felt like I hit my head on the table behind me. But I am not sure I did that.
My dad was being stupid again..of course he was worried about me. But the he was trying to help me get back on my feet after like 3 seconds, taking my hand and pulling me up with force very fast. I shouted at him to stop. And I sat up on the floor and sat there for a while. Stubborn as he is he still wants to pull me up really fast. He doesn't think for a second that I might feel dizzy after falling and hitting my head.
I was too weak to get up on the chair and I was too weak to get up from the floor like that. He doesn't understand my condition and how I feel. Not a single clue. He thinks I am like normal.
And if I really did hit my head on the table, wouldn't it be good to lie down still for a while and breath and relax until you feel ready to get back up. That is like, almost common sense.
I was not happy at all yesterday.
I finally lost my temper on my Neato. It kept stopping on the doorsteps/thresholds. And kept stopping for no reason, "paused".
I just took it up and threw it on the floor with all my force. It kept getting the "vision blocked" error after that. My dad did not notice or say anything at all.
He didn't even hear the noise? He just passed by me like nothing had happened.
How come, he didn't notice that?
When I asked him he just says that he doesn't know what to do... Don't know what to do? At least say something. You can say for example "What happened?"
I remember when I saw a kid, and if I made the tiniest tiniest noise somwhere. Like I could drop a piece of lego on the floor. My dad would shot at me "WHAT the **** are you doing? Why are you making all that noise". Back then, it was completely opposite. We were supposed to be silent like mice.
I turned the Neato in for repair again. I spilled coffee all over it also when I fell. When I go to pick it up I might replace it with a D85 if possible. Maybe I should have said that first. But I'll ask anyway... Or I am not completely sure either.
There is a D85 with some remote control that seems the more interesting. It has not been released yet it seems like. You can look at neato robotics website and fill in your e-mail to get more info when it is released.
I slept on the couch all night.
And I really really really need to stop with my oxynorm. I've got a half bottle after only 3 days. It doesn't help me get more happy anyway.
It has swollen more and more around my ear. Making it almost completly impossible to hear anything on my left side.
I want to be able to listen to music that I love. Play guitar. And things like that. How can I ever do that. I will always play so it sounds like shit. Because I can't hear notes. I was not good at that before either. But it is like playing with plugs in my ear.
I can't enjoy music in the same way. I remember when I could hear all those wonderful sharp sounds in Pink Floyd music for instance. Or Dire Straits. Or other Hi-Fi music. I can't do that anymore.
But there is a another thing that I really enjoyed. I listened through that 3CD Tom Waits album.. Orphans, while reading the lyrics at the same time. Tom Waits can do some really beautiful songs, and in-between some that are more difficult to listen to. And I think it is difficult to hear what he sings. Anyway I listened and read the lyrics. And found that it is a really really good album.
When I read the lyrics I could also hear it sounds more like music than noise. Of course, because it really is music. But he has a thing in his lyrics + voice in those noisy songs that makes them very deep and beautiful in a different way.
He writes some really good lyrics.
I took a large dose of oxascand now.
And I took a dose of oxynorm. Because that usually has a positive effect.
I cried a little now. I feel I need to be with my parents.
My friends are not to any good help now. They're more more of a burden. They often ignore my messages in the chat group. I whine and complain alot. But that is something new. It is usually I that have to listen to their complaints and whining about all sorts of different things.
I will try and enjoy my fika. My coffee is getting cold.
Sure it is fun with some company. And the evening times might not feel that ultra depressing. Well. He wants to watch TV alot, ALOT. And TV usually bores me ALOT.
And I want to play my games. Lucky that you can do both with the Wii U.
But he is not uplifting to have around. I show him things that I have done. I asked if he saw my sushi that I was proud of, I posted it here and on facebook.
And he said "No".. So I showed him the tools, the bamboo mat. While he is not showing any interest at all. He just wanted to walk away and I had to shout after him "And these are the miso-soup mix".. "OK". He said without any interest at all.
And then I said you need this oil or vinager for the rice "Oh, is it to add salt so that it tastes anything?". And I *scoffed*.. it is always like that with him.
Everything, absolutely everything needs salt to taste ANYTHING. It is like it is binary, no salt == no taste, extra salted == taste. I tried explaining.
Yes it does add a little bit to the flavour if you add a little bit of salt, it tastes what it is supposed to taste. If you add too much salt it just tastes salt. He always buys butter "extra salted" while I always buy butter organic "Krav" which is normally salted. And my father asks "Why do you always buy Krav/organic, it doesn't taste any different"... AHA, busted! So you admit extra salted butter doesn't taste better than normally salted butter.
And you see, WHY in the WORLD would I buy organic food for the taste. If I buy organic I expect it to taste exactly the same as non organic. If it actually does taste better. That is a huge plus.
"But why buy more expensive food if it doesn't taste better"
I could ask, him "Why buy extra salted butter if it doesn't taste better plus gives you higher risk of heart diseses"...
Of course, I got cancer now so the best thing in my case would be to shut up.
People in general are very fast pulling out that simple card "but, lol, you've got cancer so all your burden in buying organic etc etc is quite useless isn't it".
Pick a small group like my friendship group. They could say "We eat McDonalds. Kebab, chips a and coca cola probably everyday". Did I talk about my friend who still had the fabrication plastic stuff left in his oven a year after it was installed. He never used it. I bet he never used his plates for anything more advanced than boil water maybe.
But he eats McDonalds, pizza, Burger King, Max.... or frozen microwave meals.
I am the guy who likes to make my own food, I always buy the organic option of a product. I would do anything to eat, anything that would pop into my mind that sounds good, googling and following a recipe and not be afraid of failing. Because I've failed a "couple" of times. Because sometimes you have to fail first, before you can redo and make it better. I've done things I have been very pleased with. Made my own bread, smörgåsgårta, vegetarian lasagne, "plommon-späckad skinkstek" my favorite, also known as "söndagsstek" or something like that. I don't really follow a recipe when doing that. I just make things up as I go. My friend is the guy who thinks making tacos is the most advanced kind of food you can make yourself.
I read one online from a person who wrote "don't give any money to those cancer organisations. If people stopped putting all that crap in their bodies they would not have cancer. Chips and dip ans cola and McDonalds, you name it".
Meaning, it is your own fault you have cancer. And these organisations is taking advantage of you, just taking your money and drive around in nice cars.
I felt hurt hearing this. "It is your own fault that you have cancer".
I know a lot of people who eat fast food and crap food very often. And when I say that I know that they do this. I really do know they do.
Cancer can be the cause of so many things. In my case in 2010, I got NPC cancer. When googling around on that you can find that people sensitive to a virus called EBV (Epstein-Barr Virus) can develop this form of cancer. So what did that have anything to do with eating... Whatever diet you wish you use, pick anyone, LCHF, or whatever.
When it comes to the diet, eating too much salty fish and meat helps the virus to develop cancercells... well that is a very very short explanation of an hypotesis. But I don't eat alot of meat, not alot of salt either. But I do love fish. So everyone that likes to eat fish now, beware.
When it comes to the cancer I got now. They are pretty certain that it was caused by the radiation therapy that they gave me in 2010..
There isn't really any rights and wrongs with food.... of course a healtyh diet is ALWAYS good. But this cancer crazyness, well it is just crazyness. These people I know. They will keep eating their cola and chips and fast food and never learn to cook anything themselves. They'll live a cancer free life anyway.
While I will continue to cook my own food, as long as I can, eat lots of vegetarian food, etc etc because I love it. Not because I force myself to eat something I don't like to get a better health. But because I like that food. And I don't think cancer has anything to do with anything else than just really bad luck.
I was going to write this blog post on how much my father bores me. Him and his mid day naps. I can hear him snoring now, after eating he always takes a nap.. And he always needs to say it in such a boring way. I feel tired too sometimes. But there is nothing more depressing I think, than sleeping away a few hours in the middle of the day. Unless I am really really sick or something.
But if I am tired in the middle of the day. I'd rather take a cup of coffee and sugar to kick-start the brain again and keep going, that feels the best.
This mid day nap is like depression fuel for me. And just hearing my father snoring in there is depression fuel. And he soon wakes up and want to watch the news. *sigh* same news he watched just before.
My coffee is ready. And this blog post has actually taken all day to write. And now I feel like sitting here complaining and whining instead of doing something else is making me depressed.
I don't remember. But it feels like I have been sleeping an entire night. But it is only 01:12 now. I've only slept a couple of hours.
Maybe I should take my temperature. Just to see everything is OK.
Simson wanted to go in. Maybe not for long.
Notice that I am completly out of oxascand as well. Hmm.
It feels. Like I get worried alot. I cleaned in my mouth a little. Mostly getting out blood from that little hole. The tumour is growing around and containing my teeth on the left side. They gave me this Prontoral to squirt between the tumour and the teeth. It seems to work great! I don't feel any special pain anyway.
37.7 degrees. think you should add 0.2. So it was 37.9. And I measured again and it was 36..7, or 36.9.
I noticed that there was a battery warning on the temperature meter. Needs new batteries.
So I need to buy one of those flat ones again. I thought I had some at home. But I could not find them.
I try to think about that game. That is fun sometimes.
Eating my food and listening to the new David Gilmour album.
A CD is not enough for me. I needed the blu-ray and vinyl as well :)
I get Dire Straits feelings from this...Well, that is my first few minutes of impression. It might not mean anything at all later. I need to stretch my ear constantly to hear all the sounds. But it sounds great. Now I will try and relax and hear this piece of art music.
Update.
Well, yes it was good of course it was! You need to be some kind of expert critic to say anything else about this. And I am no expert critic. This is David Gilmour we are talking about. And since I love both his own solo work and Pink Floyd and music like this in general (if that even exists, Gilmours music is unique). I don't really feel like I want to be critical at all.
I just want to sit down and relax and enjoy this beautiful piece of music.
It was a short album, just like Pink Floyd's latest album was. I would have loved to hear twice as much of it. But I am still grateful for this little piece, that it exists.
When I first started to listen to Pink Floyd when I was 16 or 17 or something like that. I always wondered what their music and lyrics was about. I was always a kid with too much imagination, they said I was a daydreamer. I had all sorts of ideas what their albums was about, and every time I listened to it, it meant something new. I also had that experience with David Lynch's movies.
Every time I would see Eraserhead it had a different meaning to me. Or Lost Highway, or Mullholland Drive, etc...
When listening to Dark Side of the Moon it could have a different meaning each time. Same thing with every PF album. And I loved it when it was like that!
As I said, I am no expert critic. And this is David Gilmour, his music stands steady like a copper statue in the middle of a beautiful garden. You can't really go there and paint ugly little tags like little skater kids. You'll get arrested. Your parents would ask you if you are going insane?
I have got problems with my ears. Both of them now. After chemotherapy I got severe tinnitus. Now a tumour on my left side. And for the last few days it has swollen so that it blocks my ear a little bit. I can use my finger to pull on my ear and it would open. So I had to do that while listening to this album.
But I still enjoyed it. And even though it was short. I would go back to this garden I talked about above, many many times. And maybe take a trip over to the Endless River a few times also :) And there will be no ugly grafitti allowed in my garden.
Because it is only in my mind. Nobody else is there. And they are both very good albums indeed even if I still don't know what Rattle That Lock is about. It doesn't matter, as I've tried to explain before. It doesn't ruin the experience with this kind of music.
Then you can read into the lyrics and listen to what the artists have to say about the meaning of everything and what the story is. And that is another experience.
But that usually comes later for me. Anyway, great album!
Not until now 16:50 I drink the last little drops of my morning coffee.
I made coffee this morning, while playing fantasy life and writing an real-time review on it here. Since I am so tired it it almost impossible to write anything with my micro-sleeps that I get.
Sometimes I just nod with my head, and I am sleeping, but I still think that I am writing. So when I wake up I've been holding down a key or something. Or I drop the phone... yeah the usual, I have said it before. I keep saying it until I find the best way to express it : P
I was stopped in the middle of playing Fantasy Life because I got visit from the nurses and the doctor from the palliative care team that I have. Don't know how long they stayed. They arrived here at 13:30.
Anyway, I ate my last sandwich before they came in. But I had my risifrutti and coffee to drink. Set the game on pause.
Now when they have left I can eat the last of my breakfast. Only writing this blogpost is stopping me.
I think writing in the blog has stolen most of the hours. Anyway. Now I feel that I am done with writing for now. I will eat this. Take a walk to the store.
Make and eat some proper food when I come home. And then keep playing or writing about my own game that I started writing about yesterday.
I still feel motivated write more about my game today. It was fun. I feel happy now
"I it at sinendivlob9oofx x4..... actuslliy i elll asleoo abdrrease.. " ... yeah Goof x4, that was the most accurate I could write during that sudden micro-sleep I got just now, I have lbl decifrdd to notficävä any mistakes kn this sentance. I will keep writing no matter if i am slerpimg ot not. Snf then keep writing on my computer...
Anyway..back to games. I liked Fo3 very much. The atmosphere and feeling that it has. It is not just another shooter with some enemies thrown in in here. And why Fo3 popped into my head I don't know. But I guess it is similar in a way.
You're a lone drifter that scavenges for loot to survive. It also has robots and hackable computers. Though I would like my computer to be a 100% programmable computer. And if possible even be sensitive to a viruses if some might have written code with bufferoverflow bugs in them.
Anyway, as I was writing yesterday. You can easily see how my imagination just drifts off. And the game becomes so big that I eventually can't handle it.
One trick is to come up with as many ideas as possible. An figure out how it an be programmed to use less code, I mean use the same functions but just change the parameters a little.
....I am making breakfast now. This is an ugly picture I drew. It is inside a spaceship, and it has a computer screen with green background. A Window, and you can see stars outside. And that purple thing is a droid.
But just now for some reason, I think it is more fun to think and dream about it than actually do it.
I don't know. I feel motivated about it now, but next week, or tomorrow it might be completely gone. The most important thing of all is to feel this happy and motivated about something. And don't loose that and get depressed. I don't want to think about how much time do I have left, before I am incapable of doing anything.
Another thing that is important to keep in mind is that, I am not doing this for other people. I am doing this for me. Because it is something that I think I will enjoy playing... The boring part though is that, I think my game idea needs other people for it to be enjoyable. And maybe I need to find a way to make that not so important. Make it a single player game.
And how do I keep motivated. I once asked Notch on Twitch. And he responded.. well, I don't know, just keep doing it anyway I suppose, even if it is boring. And that is exactly how I think as well. But a thing I notice about Markus "Notch" Persson when he has his little programming moments on Twitch, is that he is so fast at doing something playable and controllable that you can run around in and do stuff in. And maybe that keeps the motivation going to add more features later. Do the fun stuff first and the boring stuff later.
While I usually get stuck on the boring parts first, and adds the graphics and the controls much later. I might not even get to the parts with graphics and controls. Just a program that is a part of the game, or a tool that is used to help create the game.
The game have to be in 3D. It would need to have some physics, that can be done with ODE. Open Dynamics Engine, I have programmed that before. I need to know how to use that
I think I will write it in C++, and not in C. Even though my experience in C++ is not as good as my experience in C.
Maybe I can even do it in C++11 ?
It depends on how well C++11 is implemented in GCC
https://gcc.gnu.org/projects/cxx0x.html
And how well it works with other libraries. I want to use.
I need to model stuff in blender, and I did write something to make C code out of blender models.
But also, I am afraid to do more bugs when using C++. Because I am so confident in C. Programming MCU's and being very close to hardware level most of the time in my work. I don't know. It does feel like C++ is the better choice anyway.
And I will read this book "C++ Programming by Bjarne Stroustrup". That was free on Google Play. And I have read a lot of it already. I learnt a lot from that book. I learned to make pointers to functions in C. Something that I actually didn't know about C. Even after programming it so much, even saying that I feel confident in it. I remember that Donald Knuth wrote in the Art of Computer programming that pointers to functions is something a programming language has to have. otherwise it is quite useless... And I thought, I don't know if C has that. And he showed the qsort() example. And I didn't understand it. Not until I read Bjarne Stroustrup's book about C++.
Maybe pointers to functions is not something that is implemented in the HiTech or Microchip compilers that I have used so much. Anyway... Now I know how to use that confusing qsort() function that you can read about (man qsort). And I did implement it in my sudokuhelp program. Aswell in my objParser program I used it alot when building linked lists. To allocate memory and free() memory. I think that worked out very well. It almost made C, look and feel like programming an object oriented language when I did it that way... And now all those voices from "expert" programmers popped up in my head on how stupid this way to program is... yes yes. I don't care, shut up old voices.
The game would need a programmable computer. No, it is not 0x10c. I was not inspired by that. I had this idea before 0x10c. Don't believe me? OK then. Don't.
It would need a BASIC interpreter. And I have not decided if it is only going to read BASIC like a scripting language, or if it actually would implement an compiler and run the code as a virtual CPU.
TIS-100 was a fun little game, check it out.
I have been trying to make a BASIC parser in flex & bison, and I have been reading this book on google play. But I got stuck at the point where it kind of "recursively" parses programs.
Like for instance, it reaches a line like "IF A<5 THEN" block-of-code "ENDIF"
Where that block of code is, that would only be executed if A<5. But how to make a compiler for that? Well, if would need to compile something to check if A<5, and then compile the block-of-code, and then go back and make a JMP, to jump over the compiled block-of-code if A>=5... I guess. Don't make it too complicated.
The computer must have some functionality in the game. What will it do...
I guess it can't do much unless it is connected to some sensors.
My first inspiration to this game was that movie Silent Running. And while the computer doesn't play a big role in the game, other things do. Like the droids... I think the main character smashed the computer and the communication system.
But in my game, I would like the computer and the communication system be much more important and play a much bigger role.
And it would be fun to have those droids there as well.
A game needs some challange, otherwise it can get boring.
Maybe you can get hit by mini asteroids that would do holes in your ship and leak oxygene. You need your droids to fix this. you need your computer to tell the droids where to go and what to do.
There could be many ways to do this. Would you need "oxygen-level-sensors".. what is that excatly? I don't know. But I imagine that something like that might exist.
The computer needs to comunicate with the droid to tell it where to go ? How can this be done. Does the ship have X,Y,Z coordinates. Or can it be done even more simple maybe.
Or is that too much. Maybe it can be done without the computer, maybe it can be done manually aswell. But you could figure out that the computer is a good tool to fix these problems faster and automatically.
In Silent Running there was also a garden.
I think I would want that too... But that makes me think of two things, sunlight.
And actually electricity. The garden would need Sunlight, and the ship would need electricity. Solar panels.
And another thing. Materials, I mean, just things. In Homeworld you "mine" stuff from rocks, just do "mining"... I think you did that in Alpha Centauri aswell.
Maybe I could implement Mining in a more fun way, by mining individual atoms, from the periodic table. If you found a large rock in space, you could go there and "mine", to get iron and copper and gold and silver and coal, even helium and oxygen and uranium, and anything.
The garden would supply you with oxygene, as long as it gets light. But what if there is a hull breach. The droids would need material to fix that.
As I said earlier, the communication system would play a much bigger role in this game.
Who would you communicate with, earth?
I was thinking maybe earth is gone, maybe everyone there is dead. What if the ship you were on was supposed to have other crew members. But they died for some reason. Their hybernation chambers failed.
Don't bury the bodies the garden though.... If you've seen Silent Running.
You know what I mean.
So you're the only one left... or are you?
Maybe there is another sun out there with another person struggling to survive.
Because what is your purpose of surviving in the game if you're the only one left. There is no reason really. You might as well die.
Maybe there are people on earth, but you can't come back. You are stuck on this station. For some reason.
I would find it more fun, if you were able to leave rotation from the sun. And go somewhere else, maybe find another star to circulate around... What would happen to the garden during this time... Maybe the garden could be frozen down quicly, and and then unfrozen when you have reached another star.
You would need to save up an amount of food to do this trip... And you need to get into hibernation? But if it takes 100 years to reach another star with another person, that person would already be dead in 100 years... So you need.. hmm. I don't know yet really.. There need to be some kind of unrealistic element in this to make it work.
I am too tired now to think more. I don't know how to get this game fun.
I really need to go to sleep. Goodnight.
First I just want to say that I have not played any more Fantasy Life today. I didn't feel like it. But maybe tomorrow.
I did not feel very good at all before, mentally I mean. Depressed and down, and I almost fell asleep when I was laying in the couch. Just this boring extreme tiredness where I could write or read something on the phone, but I have it so difficult to keep my eyes open. Just like this morning when I was playing Fantasy Life. I want to wake up but my brain wants to shut down. I can lie down and read, and suddenly without noticing I just drop my phone in the face. Or suddenly without noticing I fall asleep but for some reason I keep writing, for example here in the blog, and I wake up and shake my head and I have only written random letters. I don't like that kind of tiredness.
So I just decided to force myself to go out on a small walk. And that did alot. Actually, ALOT to my mental health and my tiredness. I guess it is called fatigue.
I feel so much better now. I have decided that I will keep taking walks every day. Absolutely. And I need it also.
Just sitting here collecting water in my feet and trying to make myself happy with medicine won't work. I did not know that just a small walk could do that much to lift me up. Maybe it works in the morning as well. Maybe I should try talking a small walk outside when I wake up tomorrow before breakfast.
I used to take walks every day when I went to school. 60 minutes every day. It took almost exactly 30minutes to go to school from my apartment. And then 30minutes back home, and that was slightly upwards the entire way home. I was in good condition back then. I have lost all of that now.
I must have been in an extremely low state mentally, if just a 10minute walk could do that much difference.
Now I feel I got some more motivation!
But it is motivation to write in my blog at the moment :) I don't know if I will do any programming. We'll see. The thought on programming anything just now destroys it. Now I am waiting for my pizza too cool down so that I can eat it.
By
the way. Did I mention that my cat Simson found a mouse inside the house.
In the middle of the night, or early in the morning maybe. I had to take it from him and throw it out. I did not want him to eat it. He only gets worms and he always throws it up anyway.
Simson
makes certain meowing sounds for different things. For example if he
feels ill and is about to throw up he sound "Meoooooo", where the "ooo"
sound is very deep and loud. And when I hear that know what is going on, so that I can get to him quickly off
the carpet. Because he ofcourse always needs to throw up on the carpet,
for some reason.
He also makes a
certain meow when he has found some prey, and he wants to come to me and
show it. So when I heard him, I just knew what it was. And I went up from bed and looked at him, and of course it was a mouse.
But I don't know why cats do that. I mean, I know it is normal that they hunt for
food, rats, and mice and snakes and flies. But when he finds something
larger, like a mouse, he must come to me and show it. Then play with it a
little, and then kill it and maybe eat it. He doesn't always eat the entire mouse.
I don't really like that he eats them, because they put out poison here for rats and mice. And I don't really want him to get rat poison in him. I don't think that is good at all.
He has found mice inside the house before. Sometimes he just kills it and leaves it outside the door to my bedroom.
But, the first thing thought that went through my mind was... Where did he find a mouse inside the house, he did not come from outside. It is an old house ofcourse. And now it is getting colder outside and maybe the mice is getting closer to the warm houses. They have the ability to squish themselves through very narrow places also.
Good thing Simson found it so that I could get rid of it. :)
Update 22:40
And after the pizza, I'm tired again. Don't want to sleep yet.
That feeling is back again, the days pass so quickly. It feels like it is yesterdays night. What happened to this day? I don't know. What did I do? I don't remember.
I feel like eating and eating and eating. Candy, chips, icecream and chocolate and everything I have. I want to see a movie. But I have no good movies. Netflix doesn't have much of interest. I got lots of Anime.. But I am not in an anime mode now, not when I feel this fatigue again. I won't be able to concentrate on an anime. If I am going to go to sleep, it needs to be fast. I need to eat my pills and go to sleep as fast as possible.
There is always this part of the day when everyone seems unavailable.
They're doing something else, not available in the chat rooms. Nobody responds of the phone.
No one to talk to.
At the same time. I try to read a little bit about Flex & Bison to make my BASIC programming parser. I've started on on it a little bit. It can assign variables and do some simple math and things like that.
But I got stuck on how to do when parsing code like "IF A>5 THEN", and then it is supposed to parse another block of code until it reaches "ENDIF" or something like that. There are special functionality for that in Bison... or Flex
I read one page, and then I was bored.
I took a quick shower and changed clothes. That felt good.
My robotic vacuum cleaner also stopped today with the message "House Cleaning - paused". For no apparent reason at all. I just left it there until it ran out of battery. And I put it back in the charger. I don't know what the problem is. And I have no energy to care so much about it. Anymore. Maybe I should turn this one in as faulty too.
I had a chat with friends on downloading films. E think's that it is completely OK to pay for a service where no money goes to the film industry or the makers, just for the servers holding the torrents so that you don't even have to seed to other downloaders. And that he doesn't care about "the poor film makers", in that case if it ruins the entire film industry, it is just evolution, and maybe people can do better stuff instead.
I don't understand that logic at all. Then why do you need movies so badly that you're ready to pay for a service? but not to a service that goes to the people making the movie? OK, I understand, it is a service that has more movies that for instance Netflix has. Because Netflix has to go through all this stupid economical trouble to get a movie on their site.
But I don't think it is like E says. "evolution" will not remove movies, lol, never. There will always be people who burn passionately for making movies and writing stories, just like all people grow up with different interests. And I think they would be very happy if they could have their closest interest as a job and make money on it.
He doesn't seem to understand much. Neither did the others I think. It was similar in the discussion yesterday. When I was talking about making a drone/quad copter.
And E took for granted that I would buy a complete model...?
No, of course not. I have no interest in quad copters/drones in that way. I am interested in electronics, building stuff and doing the mathematics and figuring out how to get it stable and working with the programming, and building the electronics and everything from scratch. I have already made a small programmable board with an accelerometer and a gyro sensor on it. I would maybe like to have a blue tooth module to read out the values wirelessly.
That is the fun part, do all the development, and then see that what you did works. Just buying a complete quadcopter/drone is just a waste of money.
And of course, if you're gonna do that you need to fail over and over again many many times until you get it right. I think that is a problem that E has, and also reminds me of my father. They can't accept that failing is a way to achieve progress. I think E would laugh in my face if I said that.
But actually, that is reality, that is how it is! I cannot tell you how many times I've failed at programming something before I got it right. But now it is like riding a bicycle, that knowledge won't go away. I won't forget how to program anything in C because I've done it so much. I've done wrong so many times that I understand how things work on a deeper level. When I failed I needed to figure out what was wrong, and I discovered how things works in assembler level, on hardware level. So that I could even do my own CPU if I wanted to.
And you could probably dive into the mathematics of the regulation on a quad-copter forever. We did PID regulators in school. That was one of the most fun courses I did in school. But it is sad how that knowledge just seem to dissipate and fade away if you don't maintain it and use it often. I don't remember much of signals and systems course and regulators. I remember a little bit... Maybe you could to a step analysis and analyze the result of the acceletometer/gyro data, and go from there... You see, that is what I remember. If I pick up the book and started working on it. Things would probably start getting back to me again.
But maybe the regulation doesn't have to be that advanced as a PID regulator. Maybe it just need to be simple, like the program senses from the accelerometer/gyro that the thing is tilting a little bit too much to the left so give a little more power to the left engine and less to the right until it reaches a zero value, it will probably overshoot so the program needs to do the opposite, etc etc.. And if you get it right so that it doesn't overshoot more, which would be an unstable regulator. But it needs to be configured to be a stable regulator so that the drone actually stabilizes.
Well, anyway, I didn't get much ideas or input from them. Not anything that would be realistic anyway. E thought that building your own drone was impossible, or extremly difficult. And that you needed tools that was impossible to get. I almost laughed, I don't think it is impossible. I don't think I need more than me Dremel kit and the electronics I already have at home. I've seen people do it, younger than me and without any fine electronics engineering degrees like I have. But that is just how E is I think, extremely negative. He always says he is a "realist", but I don't think he is at all. I just think he is a loser in a way.
Being negative doesn't mean you're a "realist", it just means you can't do anything because you wont even try to. You don't even think about trying. You're just.. I don't know. A loser? I can't find a better word for it.
Something I fear is that I got a very bad influence from him over all these years. I can't blame him really. But I am not sure about it. Sometimes I am afraid that he has programmed my brain, manipulated me into being this negative person myself so that I can be more like him. Always thinking "I can't"...
But I remember also, and I have written about it, in this blog. My father is exactly the same. He is also very negative, and he doesn't see the possibility in something. He often goes with the "I can't" direction when choosing a path, and doesn't choose to see the possibilities, even if they're right there in front of him. Are these people afraid of trying, or maybe afraid of failing?
I can find and see possibilities and ways on how to solve problems and do things. Otherwise I would never be able to have the job I had. No way.
While both E and my father is completely opposite from me. They will just say "No, forget it, it doesn't work".
And sometimes, when I know for a fact that something is possible to do. I feel so bored and depressed, because E always gets it his way, because he is the leader and the alpha-male. And his negativity always wins in the end.
When I talked about the board I've made, the programmable MCU with an acceletometer and a gyro and serial connection via USB to my computer. I wonder what went through their mind. Because doing something like that, I would assume to be impossible to do yourself. When I said I didn't really have the motivation to keep working on it, although I could probably use it in a center of a quad copter to sense movement, tilting, rotations. I would need alot of PWM's to drive brushless DC engines also...
M's response was "There's is probably already people who has done programs you can just download and just get it running.". I wanted to laugh out loud. I wonder what went through his mind.
First of all, that is none of my interest, I have no interest in using anything complete that someone else had made.
And no, of course in a million years that anyone can find pre-made programs for my board that I've built. What I has done is completely unique. Maybe there is something for Arduino or RPi yes. But what I have done is not using an Arduino or RPi. You could say is is a Danielino.
It is something that soldered together myself from scratch, and that is how I would like to continue doing things. That is what I am interested in, that is what I love doing.
I feel a little sad and lonely that nobody really understands me and my interests and hobbies. I can chat with people online on forums. They would understand.
I always used to love programming and doing things myself. I remember as if I had more motivation back then... But when I think more about it, my projects was never really finished back then either. I usually just got halfway, then I stopped, or got bored and started on a new project.
I went up early. And I just want to say that. Compared to nighttime, in the morning I usually feel very well.
My Neato vacuum cleaner is going around cleaning while I eat. It got stuck on one of the door thresholds (steps?) once.
I started Fantasy Life for DS. But I feel that my brain is not really 100% awake yet.
I was reading the dialog in the game, and my brain just went into sleep mode inte the middle of it and kept making up what they were talking about. At one point I got a large wooden sword in the game... Then I opened my eyes and shook my head to wake up. And ofcourse there was no wooden sword. Things like that happening all the time.
I will have some coffee now and play again later when I feel more awake.
Time goes so quickly. The days pass like cars on a highway.
And my phone is so irritating, you can't imagine. There is probably some glitch in the charger connection.
So I constantly get this message that pops up. "Connect a charger". And this irritating sound. Just, constantly. Every 10 seconds or so, or just every time the contact glitches just a little bit. And even if I have all the energy saving options available activated. The battery drains faster than it loads.
Dropbox is the worst. I think I have filled my dropbox 4 times or so in just a few weeks. I need to download everything and put it on my computer. How is it possible that I can take that many photos so that it fills my dropbox in just a week or so. I don't know.
Also for some reason the door to my freezer had been open over the night.
Nothing had melted completly, everything was still frozen, well, half frozen at least. And now when I have closed it and refrozen everything, some of my icecream have become frosty and icy and not so good.
I really don't like that the days pass so fast. It feels like it was just morning, I just had breakfast... what happened?
I did nothing today.
I played a little bit Rocksmith. And I sucked at it today. I actually felt that it was boring.
I played a little bit Mario Maker. I unlocked so that I can go into pipes and stuff. But it is a little boring that I can only upload ten levels. I have done so many levels...
It would be cool if you could make an entire world map. Like mario games have had since SMB3. With all your levels. You would make an entire Mario game :)
I have also tried beating levels in expert mode. Some of them are just unforgivingly hard. I want to beat expert mode at least once.
I pre ordered a New 3DS XL with Animal Crossing Happy Home Designer. And 32Gb memory card with that.
I don't really like that you get the game as a digital download. I would rather have the cartridge. It was the same with Mario Land 3D when I bought my 3DS XL. But yeah. Whatever. I don't know if Home Designer is a game for me anyway. I just want the New 3DS XL.
I think I am trying to buy myself happy. It's a little fun to get new stuff. A little boost of happiness.
I've been thinking about getting the MGS5 Limited Edition PS4 also. But I don't know. There aren't many games for PS4 that I want to play. Two of my friends play it. I have asked if it is worth buying a PS4 for that game. But they cannot give a good answer. Either they just say "Buy it".. or, don't answer at all. I think the most indepth answer I got was "If you liked ground zeroes, you'll like MGS5"... But ground zeroes doesn't look close to MGS5 Phantom Pain at all... Meh, So I don't know...
I liked MGS4, because it had a great story with it. Have they completely ignored to make a story in MGS5? I don't understand. They can not give a good answer, I don't understand why. But that is just how it is.
There are lots of things I would like to have.
One of those Keysight ocsilloscopes with 5GS/sec rate. Maybe 200MHz or something like that. But then I will use all of my saved up money. And I have it difficult to save anything now. I spend all I get every month now. There isn't much left in the end of the month.
I've had problems with my left ear. It keeps getting worse.
The tumour is on the left side of my face, and it has become swollen so that it blocks my ear and affects my hearing. It is very irritating. It pops and makes sounds when I eat for example. And I feel that I need to push and pull with my finger to "open" it, all the time.
The doctor comes here on Monday, and I told the nurse that I want him to take a look in my ear. They can probably not do anything about it ofcourse. I don't know really.
The days are mostly the same every day, maybe that is why it feels like that pass quickly.
I made sushi today. I bought a kit from Blue Dragon that had most of the stuff you need, sushi rice ("boil in bag"), a little wasabi, a little soy sauce, sushi vinegar ("Sushi Su"), a bamboo mat for rolling and nori sheets. Then I bought miso-soup that you just mix with hot water.
But I didn't use any fish or other meat. I don’t know how to prepare that. I've heard that you can buy prepared, cut up pieces of sushi fish in the charcuterie in
the store if you ask for it. I might do that sometime. I am not quite
confident in preparing raw sushi fish myself, I think that needs to be done by an expert. But, I do like sushi
without any meat at all as well.
I only used vegetables. Cucumber, carrot and avocado. I would like to do the "sauce" that you get in some rolls. I like them the most, but I forgot to look up a recipe and buy the ingredients for that. I think it is only mayonnaise and leek, maybe something more. Not quite sure. But the ones I did with just the vegetables was really successful anyway.
I did not know that sushi rice had a special rice vinegar in it. I think it is called "Sushi Su". I got the rice in special "boil-in-bags". They were very practical, because no rice got stuck in the pan after. Making it easier to clean.
....I looked at Blue Dragon's website. And notice that they have "boil in bag" sushi rice that you can buy. It was very convenient. Even if they were prepared in bags, I did wash the rice thoroughly before boiling it.
I also got good use of my fine bowls I bought in Japan :)
I especially like the little kitten bowls for wasabi and/or soy sauce.
I thought it was going to be difficult to roll these. But it was actually quite easy.
I always have it so difficult to roll other things, like when making cinnamon buns or other rolled things. I tried making candy canes once, it was extremely difficult. But rolling sushi, I think they are called California rolls was surprisingly easy.
